


The Good Wife's Handbook: John and Rodney Style

by Tassos



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-09-11
Updated: 2006-09-11
Packaged: 2017-10-02 11:34:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tassos/pseuds/Tassos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A few short lessons on how to be an accomodating, loving wife . . .</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Good Wife's Handbook: John and Rodney Style

**Author's Note:**

> The Good Wife's Handbook is the GW's Guide hoax email that claimed to come from Housekeeping Monthly in 1955. While a fake, the attitudes it presents are not. It made the rounds to my computer a few months ago. Everything bolded is from the email.

**Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed. **

John came home and stood in the doorway to their quarters to watch black smoke billow out accompanied by cursing and the smell of charcoal. Rodney had been complaining about the food recently, but John didn’t think it was bad enough to drive him to cook. Suddenly, fire suppressant shot from the walls like silly string, sending Rodney running and crashing into John, knocking them both to the corridor floor. From on top of him, Rodney sweated and huffed, “Oh my God, the kitchen tried to kill me.”

**Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. **

John came home and found Rodney fast asleep on the couch, one leg hanging off the edge. He wore a fresh shirt with a line of drool running down his chin onto it. It was disgusting, but the best sight John had seen all day.

**Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. **

Rodney came home and found John leaning, loose-limbed and sultry against the wall with silk pants riding low on his hips and a tan leather vest open over a bare and hairy chest. “Hi, Rodney,” he grinned low and dirty, sauntering closer, “how was your day?”

**Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables. **

Rodney came home to find their quarters spotless. After a stunned moment, he rushed frantically to the desk, to the bookshelf, to the side table in the bedroom. When John got back with Pinesol and dustcloths, Rodney yelled, “What the hell have you done to my things?”

**During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. **

John came home to find Rodney on the balcony staring at the stars. He looked over at John when he came out and joined him, but didn’t say anything. Sliding his arms around Rodney’s waist, John gave him a kiss and looked up with him.

**Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. **

Rodney came home to the speakers blaring U2 “Never gonna live forever!” John was standing on the couch teaching Ronon how to play air guitar while Teyla lay on the floor laughing. When he saw Rodney, he bounced down and swung him into a hug, singing at the top of his lungs.

**Be happy to see him. **

John came home and barely had time to say hi before Rodney’s tongue was in his mouth and his holster was on the floor.

**Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. **

When Rodney came home John was wearing a feral grin and was on his knees before the door had even closed.

**Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours. **

Rodney came home having forgotten the conversation he and John had started over dinner before they’d both been called away by an explosion in the biology labs. John smelled like the infirmary and nodded in sympathy at the clean up and setbacks and extra work and the utter stupidity of people in the life sciences who should know better than to put magnesium near a heat source. When he wound down, John took his hand gently and said, “Christianson is blind. He’s going back to Earth.”

**Don't greet him with complaints and problems. **

John came home from a long day of field exercises and Rodney at his lap top said, “Are you sure you can’t scrape up enough Marines for the Anthropologists to take to Lipston?”

**Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work. **

When Rodney didn’t come home before midnight, John grabbed his gun and his life signs detector. He found Rodney in the ZPM room buried in a consol and dragged him home with the promise of cookies and a blow job.

**Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. **

When John came home Rodney was hogging all the space on the couch but he put his feet down when John came over. He made even more room when John elbowed his way under his arm and leaned his head against Rodney’s chest. Rodney planted a kiss in his hair and said, “I made tea if you want some.”

**Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. **

Rodney came home to find John crashed out on the bed still in uniform. He poked and prodded and told John to move his skinny ass until he finally gave up, took John’s boots off, and rolled him under the covers.

**Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. **

Rodney came home and the first thing John said was, “What the hell was that?!” What followed was a bitter thirty minutes of shouting and recriminations for a mission shadowed by lies and a briefing laced with blame. In the end they never agreed, but they both admitted they had made a few mistakes.

**A good wife always knows her place.**

Tangled up in each others arms, soft skin, soft breath, soft smiles, John and Rodney came home.


End file.
